DNA (a short story)

DNA

By: Teya Donna

Turning the heat in the car on full blast she leaned against the steering wheel and unscrewed the shiny red cap of the Smirnoff vodka bottle, holding the open mouth up to her nose. The strong smell of alcohol invaded her nostrils as she took a deep breath in through her nose which sat on the rim of the bottle. With closed eyes she sat there calmly breathing the scent, in and out, in and out, relaxing her body as the potent smell swam into every part of her being. Her cold hands became numb as she gripped the ice-cold bottle with all her failing strength. This was exactly what she needed. Licking her lips, she placed them around the opening of the bottle and took a sip, savoring the burning substance as it slid down her into the pit of her empty stomach. She licked her lips and went to take another sip but froze instead, glancing out the car window she seen a group of girls skipping out of the LCBO holding brown bags. She wondered what was in the bags: wine, beer, rum, vodka, or were they the cider type? Who was she kidding? They were definitely the ‘tequila shots’ and ‘vodka with a splash of coke’ types. She knew them because she was once one of them. The four girls giggled on the way to their car, their bare legs and heels challenging the -20-degree weather. It would not stop them from partying, the liquor would warm them up, or at least help them forget how cold it was. Forget. That is all she wanted to do at this moment. She lifted the heavy bottle ready to fill her mouth with the strong flavor but was stopped again as the girl’s car drove past her blasting Kendrick Lamar, who happened to be her brother’s favorite rapper. Removing her lips from the mouth of the bottle she placed it down in the cup holder and picked up her cellphone, opening the text from her brother she received about two hours ago:

Happy Holidays Aja. It’s Marvin, I know it has been a long time, but I miss my sister and Naomi and I would like to invite you to Christmas dinner, you can meet the newest edition Talia, she’s just as stubborn as you are so you two will get along lol. Let me no.

She resisted the tears that filled her eyes, looking up at the ceiling of her car to stop them from falling. It had been two years since she had had a drink and three years since she had spoken to her brother. He had had enough of her showing up drunk at his house at two in the morning to yell in the streets about their toxic childhood. He was sick of her calling him at three in the morning because her cab kicked her out and she needed a ride home. He was especially sick of bailing her out of jail for cursing a police officer, being drunk and disorderly and lastly, for beating up a girl in the club who stepped on her brand-new heels. Basically, he was just sick of her and Aja did not blame him because she was sick of herself. Three years ago, after he bailed her out for the cat fight at the club, he told Aja he could not be apart of her life anymore. He was married with a two-year-old and he could not be responsible for his older sister any longer. This sent Aja on a disastrous year of binge drinking and partying; eventually losing her job. After throwing a party at her place and getting robbed by a group of guys who were there, she had tried to call Marvin, but he had changed his number. It had been dead silence from him until today, a week before Christmas.

After reading the text Aja started to feel like she was losing control. As if her body was not her own. Her heart beat banged in her chest at an alarming rate, she began sweating, her hands shaking, and she felt as if she was hyperventilating. She had been in control in a way she never knew possible for two years but now she felt it all slipping. She was freaking out about freaking out and she knew a drink would calm her down. So, Aja jumped in her car, in her red plaid pajamas and un-brushed teeth to drive to the LCBO down the street. She looked down at her old friend, the Smirnoff bottle and wondered how something could be her best friend and her enemy at the same time. The vodka could make her forget her problems yet give her new ones. Aja slid her fingers down the length of the icy bottle while biting her lip, contemplating. Kendrick Lamar’s lyrics began reciting in her head: “I got loyalty, got royalty, inside my DNA.” Looking back at the text from her brother she reread it for the hundredth time. The lyrics continued playing in her head, “I got power, poison, pain, and joy inside my DNA.” Marvin, who was her only family, wanted her to be apart of his life again and she had her hands on a weapon that would destroy that. She jerked her hand away from the vodka bottle and dialed her sponsor’s number.

“Aja! How are you?” The raspy familiar voice shouted into the phone.

“Claire, I’m ok, I-um-well- I am sitting in my car with an opened bottle of vodka in the cup holder, how are you?” She laughs the seriousness of the situation away.

“Oh no. when you say open bottle…does that mean that-”

“The fun has begun? No.” she hears Claire’s sigh of relief, “Not yet at least.”

“Well I am glad you called me, we haven’t spoken in a few months. Tell me dear, what happened?”

She liked Claire, maybe she even loved her. She wanted to tell her that sometimes but thought it would make things weird. Claire was like a mother to her, a mother that Aja needed and craved in her life. Claire was what she wished her mother could have been, a recovering alcoholic, instead of a life-long unrelenting no-hope for the future alcoholic. And there was no hope for the future for her mother because she had died six years ago from a bad case of pneumonia. After waiting too long to seek care, too distracted in her drunken state, it was a sudden and unexpected death. From many months in AA and plenty of late night conversations with Claire, it was concluded that that was the crash that sent Aja’s car off the road. Without any hope for reconciliation with her mother, who she cut off and had not spoken to for three years before her death, Aja spiraled and begun a fate she felt destined for.

“Are you busy? It is a week before Christmas and I am sure you have a lot going on with your kids and family coming over and-” Aja stuttered as she regretted bothering Claire.

“Aja, what happened?” Claire said urgently, ignoring her restrictions.

Aja took a deep breath and exhaled, “Marvin texted me about two hours ago.”

“Wow, okay…good news?”

“He invited me to Christmas dinner.”

“So… very good news then?” Aja could hear the smile on Claire’s face.

“Yes. But, also – I don’t know, I am freaking out Claire.” She felt the lump in her throat forming and the tears forcing their way back to her eyes, “Why am I freaking out?”

“Well let’s work through that together, how did you feel when you read the text?”

“Happy, at first. Fuck, overjoyed! I wanted to call him, I wanted to cry, I wanted to dance. I was so frigging happy Claire.”

“And then?”

“I don’t know. I started to think about the last time we spoke, when he cut me off. I was watching some stupid Christmas movie on tv when I got the text from him and then I remembered when my old tv had gotten stolen. That night, when I threw that stupid party and those guys stole my stuff, I called him, and his number was no longer in service. I never felt so alone, you know? I was so alone.” She bit her lip.

“So, are you angry at him?’ Claire asked.

“No- no I am not angry at him. I’m just- I just remember waking up the next morning in my apartment with no tv and no laptop and no microwave, and no brother. That was the night I came to AA and met you. When that machine voice told me that my brothers number was no longer in service I realized I had no one else to call. I realized that my brother couldn’t help me and that I needed professional help. And it was… nice to be around people like me and to have a sponsor who could understand my addiction. I didn’t have to worry about anyone but myself, there was no pressure.”

“Do you feel like there is pressure now? Aja, if you are not ready to have him in your life I am sure he would understand.”

“I am ready, I think. I have been waiting for a long time to be his big sister again. We used to be so close as kids. I always tried to protect him from my mother’s craziness.” There was silence for a bit as Aja began reflecting. She looked down at the bottle and remembered how much she despised it growing up. The shape, the colour, the label with big letters asking for attention, and especially the contents.

“Do you want to share?”

“Uh no, it’s nothing.”

“Aja, I can hear you thinking.” Claire joked.

Aja smiles softly, “I’m just remembering. It's crazy how much we forget when we're lost.”

Claire nods into the phone, “Share with me, Aja.”

“Okay, um…I’ am remembering this one time when I was twelve and he was nine and we were in our room playing detective. It was one of the games I came up with to keep him busy while my mother drank. I used one of my Barbie’s as a murder victim and set out clues for him to figure out which one of the toys had done it. I spent hours at night coming up with neat clues when I couldn’t sleep. Maybe not the most appropriate game for a nine-year-old but he loved that game and we watched way too much Law and Order together.” Claire laughed in the background, but Aja barely noticed, she was back in her room with Marvin, “I remember my mother barging in the room with her bottle of vodka in her hand, she was yelling about something. Marvin crawled under his bed and I just stood there as she approached me, just yelling. I couldn’t tell you what she was yelling about, I just remember staring at the bottle. So angry at it, just staring. My eyes were like …glued to it, watching the liquor in the bottle. It splashed around…almost danced around in the bottle as she swung her arms dramatically and just kept yelling. I was just standing there, and I had my eyes fixated on the swaying vodka in the bottle, kind of concentrating on it, I was so fucking angry at it you know? At what it did to my mother. I swear I was trying to make it vanish, like I was frigging Cyclops and could laser it away with my eyes.” Aja bit her lip to control her emotions, took a deep breath and continued,

“I wanted to make it stop swaying and evaporate into the air. It was like everything was fading around me as I stood staring, following the rum as it went up and down and side to side. I don’t know, it was intense. And then I was brought back to reality, like someone snapped their fingers and brought me back. That is when I smelled the smoke, then looking past my mother, I seen it. My mother had dropped a candle in the living room and the carpet had started smoking up. I grabbed the bottle of vodka out of her hand, ran out to the living room and poured it all onto the carpet. The smoke went out, but my mother was so angry at me for wasting her bottle of vodka. She was yelling and cursing at me, as she put on her shoes and left to go buy another bottle.” Aja grips the steering wheel until her knuckles turn white, “I felt in control at that moment. I had the empty bottle in my hand and in a way, I did make the vodka disappear, into the carpet. It’s a stupid small victory I know but it felt like something big at the time.”

“That is not a stupid small victory Aja, you found control in an uncontrollable environment. I don’t feel like that is small at all.”

Aja was not listening to Claire, she was still in her memory, “I would have thrown the bottle at the wall and watched it smash into pieces, but then little frightened Marvin came running out of his hiding spot and clung to me. He had tears running down his cheeks and he was holding me so tight. And then… he looked up at me and asked me if mom was the one who murdered Barbie, and I just started laughing.” Aja releases her grip from the steering wheel and laughs, Claire joins in.

Aja looks down at the Smirnoff bottle as she is laughing and starts to feel regretful for taking a sip.

“You really were his protector and I am sure he has never forgotten that.” Claire’s kind words slowly push the regret away, even just for a moment.

“I guess I worry that I will disappoint him again. I can’t promise him I am fixed, and I can’t handle losing him again.”

“You need to tell him that Aja. You need to meet up with him before the dinner and be open and honest with him. If you need me there I will come along for support.”

“And what if he tells me he changes his mind about being back in my life?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I can’t promise you that he will be okay with what you tell him but what I do know for certain is that drinking will not solve this.”

The tears fell down her cheeks and she did not want to stop them, instead she looked around her messy car for a tissue. She opened the glove department full of garbage, checked the backseat, that had magazines with false stories about celebrities she couldn’t stop buying piled up on it, and finally she found a napkin inside a taco bell bag from a late night craving a few nights ago. Aja’s car was a crucial part of her life, she often found herself driving at night with the radio blasting trying to drown out her thoughts. It was no beauty, being a used 1990 “white” Ford Escort that she bought from a friend she had made at work. She had saved up for it, and her friend Jene, was patient and allowed her to make small payments until it was paid off. Although it was rusting, fading, a little banged up on the outside and not kept clean on the inside, Aja loved her car for what it was, used, bruised but special. It saved her from many nights of solitude.

“You okay?” Claire’s worried voice brought her back to herself.

“Claire, do you ever feel like giving up?”

“Girl, who hasn’t?” Claire laughs lightly.

“I mean it.”

“Yes, Aja. Yes, of course. Especially two years into my sobriety, yes, I had many moments where I felt like giving up. I felt like calling some friends and hitting the country bars and riding the bull and just forgetting everything and everyone.” Aja could not picture Claire as a party girl, she was a short, rosy cheeked woman, in her early 50’s with silver grey hair, and bright blue eyes. She wore crocks, clunky cheap jewellery and had a cat sweater for every day of the year, which Aja suspected was her substitute addiction. Yet, she had some stories of some crazy ass nights that Aja could never place Claire in. How could this woman, who called her ‘Dear’ and baked her cookies be the Claire in those stories? Who once maxed out 3 credit cards in one weekend, when she drove up to Niagara Falls, abandoning her kids and husband to gamble and party with a couple of women she had met the same night at a bar downtown. When Aja heard those stories she always pictured herself as Claire because she could not taint the image of that sweet mothering woman.

“But I have been sober for 22 years. I barely remember that side of myself, it feels like a movie or a dream I had one time. Are you feeling like giving up, Aja? Should I come down there? I can meet you.”

“No, I am at an LCBO parking lot I don’t think that would be wise.”

“Oh, it wouldn’t tempt me now, I could go into a bar with my husband and be totally fine.”

“Really? Ya know, there is this new chic bar I want to check out downtown?” Aja joked.

“Not funny,” She says seriously as Aja laughs.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Aja sighs, “Ya know, I took one sip of vodka and had every intention of finishing

the entire bottle here in my car.”

“And what made you stop?”

“Some girls were playing Marvin’s favorite rapper as they drove past, which made me miss him…so much. I just don’t want to disappoint him, ya know? Before I started drinking I worked at a bank and lived in a condo. He was so proud of me, and now I’m 34 working as a cashier at a fucking grocery store. I drive a beaten-up car and I’m living in a damn room.”

“Aja, those are all accomplishments! You have a job, a car, and a roof over your head. When your brother texted you, I’m sure he did not want you to start being hard on yourself. Do you remember how happy you were when you got that job?”

“Yah. You came over with cookies and a Faith Hill CD, which we couldn’t listen to because no one has CD players anymore.”

“I do.” Claire said matter of factly.

“Remind me again how listening to Faith Hill was supposed to feel like celebrating?”

“Hey! Don’t insult my girl! She has gotten me through some dark times. And I won’t insult your Beyoncé obsession which-”

“Oh! Don’t go there Claire! Let’s call it a truce and move on.”

“Touché.” They both laugh.

“Your cookies though, I can never insult. They are always so fucking delicious.” Aja’s stomach growls as she thinks about the snow-flaked shaped short bread cookies Claire made last year.

“Yes, but they are also the reason I have gained 20 pounds this year.”

“Well, send them my way and I will gladly take them off your hands.”

“Ah, Ah, I won’t be the reason for your weight gain too.”

It was starting to get dark out and there were more crowds of young adults pouring in and out of the LCBO, rowdy and loud, preparing for a night of wild fun. It just made Aja feel old and out of place. She would have drank an entire bottle of vodka to herself and end up texting her brother some mean, upsetting, depressing texts, waking up the next morning to irrevocable regret. If she started drinking again, it would not be like the last time. She didn’t talk to any of her friends who still partied, she did not go out anymore, and she would not feel at home at the club like she use to. It would be a lonely life with just her and the bottle.

“Do you need me to come down there?” Claire asked again.

“No. I am okay. I am just going to go home and curl up on the couch and watch pathetic tv movies.”

“Aja, seriously, do you need me to come over?” Aja could sense how worried and nervous Claire was. It made her feel guilty but also fortunate that she had someone in her life that cared enough to worry.

“I promise.” She said, even though she felt like an alcoholic’s promise did not mean much.

“I could bring cookies.” Claire must have felt the same way.

Aja started crying again as the tears rolled down her cheeks, down her neck, into her bra and stained her skin. She did not like crying because it made her feel weak, but today Aja was weak, and Claire knew it.

“Okay.” Aja said through the sobs.

“Okay! I am coming over. I just baked a fresh batch, shortbread cats with Santa hats!”

“They sound purrfect.” Aja made a joke through her sobs, and Claire laughed.

“Toss the bottle and get home.” Claire pleaded.

“Okay, I will.” She did not promise this time, but Claire accepted that response and said bye.

When she was off the phone Aja picked up the Smirnoff bottle and brought it to her lips. She sniffed the vodka and the liquor filled her senses. At the corner of her eye she seen a couple walking towards their car with some brown bags. She turned and watched them, they were still holding hands as they held the heavy bottles. They were both smiling and laughing, and the man kissed the woman on the cheek as they stopped outside of their car. Aja’s heart ached at this scene as she imagined the night they would have together. Maybe it would be a romantic night in, with wine and a romantic comedy, some rose petals on the bed, with candles and a surprise engagement. Maybe it would be a social one, out at a bar, with other couples, taking shots of tequila, telling stories about how they met and where they all wanted to be in the future. Or maybe it would be a family gathering for the holidays, she would meet his parents; his mother would love her because they both did yoga and loved red wine, his father would love her because she had a nice smile and took her scotch straight. It amazed her how liquor brought some people together and tore others apart. She looked back at the Smirnoff bottle and her hand squeezed it tightly around the neck. She wanted to shatter it with her strength, she watched her hand go white, letting it go numb before the couple slammed their car door and woke her from her sudden rage. She released the bottle from her tight grip and put it back in the cup holder, screwing the lid back on.

She would say no today because Claire was waiting for her with short bread Santa cat cookies. She would say no today because she wanted what that couple had, without the liquor. She would say no today because she had a niece she wanted to meet and a brother she wanted back in her life. She would say no today because the parking lot at LCBO reflected her past and her future. She would say no today because she didn’t want to be her mother. Aja opened the text message from her brother and typed in a response, pressing send before she could even second guess herself:

I got loyalty, got royalty inside my DNA.

Her response did not make sense regarding his text message, but it was the best response she could give at that moment. She owed her brother a sister who could be there for him and she owed herself a future that included family. She would say no today, though she could not promise that she would say no next week or next month or next year, but that did not matter today. Today she had a promise of cookies and company that was not with a bottle. Aja started her engine and pulled out of the parking lot joining the other cars on the road. At the first red light she heard her phone beep and seen that she already had a response from her brother. She read aloud:

I got realness, I just kill shit cause it’s in my DNA. Damn right sis! I am glad you have not lost your taste in music. I hope this means you are coming to dinner, we could school Naomi on some Kendrick Lamar. She is not a fan, she thinks he is too harsh (I think motherhood has softened her haha). I say he is the realest out there, but you get it sis cuz it’s in our DNA.

Aja grinned down at her phone reading and rereading the message, until the car behind her honked a few times and forced her to put her phone down. Without thinking she made a quick turn onto a street that lined up against a forested area. Suddenly she needed to get rid of the vodka in her car and her irrational mind brought her further down the road until she seen no cars. She stopped her car right up next to the metal barrier that separated the forest from the road. It was pitch black deep within the mass of trees, the snow being the only thing that brought the trees into view. She rolled down her car window and the cold air rushed in turning her breath into a frosty fog in front of her. Aja yanked the bottle from the cup holder and was about to throw it out the window, then changed her mind. She needed more room, so it would go a further distance. She got out of the car and climbed behind the metal barrier. She was not thinking about the cars that would pass by and see her, or whether what she was doing was legal. In fact, she wasn’t thinking much at all. The cold air seeped through her thin pajama pants numbing her legs, and her converse shoes filled up with snow, soaking her socks, yet Aja did not notice. She pulled her arm back as far as she could and threw the bottle into the trees. Her eyes focused on the clear liquor swaying, dancing in the bottle, as it spun in the air. Aja’s unrelenting gaze followed as the liquid in the bottle swished and swung, rolled, twisted, and swayed. Her dark, serious eyes concentrated on the liquor smacking against the glass of the bottle following as it went up and down, side to side, until it was sucked into the darkness and disappeared.