Hiya Monday, (it's a win!)

Today I am thankful for fuzzy socks, comfy PJ pants, and sweaters. I’ am always cold. Blame it on my thinness, or my anemia, but whatever the reason I run cold. My feet are always freezing, my nose is cold to the touch, my lips go blue, my bones shiver. So, there is nothing more comforting than long-legged PJ bottoms, fuzzy socks, and a sweater, (sometimes, I kid you not, I wear a regular sweater and then a zip-up sweater overtop). Bundles on bundles. Then I light the peppermint scented candle, throw on a show that will surely make me feel good, that will make me laugh, lately that’s been The Great North, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Ted Lasso, and suddenly I’ am cozy and warm. And that’s how I have spent my day. I had a doc appt this morning, a little uncomfortable, definitely anxiety inducing. But when I got home and out of the shower, I threw on my bundles on bundles, lit the yummy candle, wrapped up in my blanket (more bundles!) and put on something feel-good. That’s my Monday, how’s yours?

But wait!!! I also wanna mention some exciting news I had last week. I was nominated for a pushcart prize for my published poem “I Can’t Even Find It in Me to Water the Flowers” by Capsules Stories Magazine https://capsulestories.com/second-isolation-edition/ I got the notification while I was preparing to leave the house for (yet again) another doc appt. I didn’t have a moment to celebrate because I was too anxious and rushed. But when I got home and told my boyfriend, I finally let the excitement settle in. IT’S A HUGE DEAL, and DON’T let anyone tell you different. I say that because I know the chances of actually winning are slim to the thins. But who cares? The real win is in the nomination. Sounds cliché but it’s the truth. Here's why:

• When we finally left the hell of 2020 behind and rounded into 2021, I made it my main goal to get published. I have been writing all my life and had recently graduated from university for Creative Writing, but I had yet to have a single piece of work published. So, that was my main goal at the start of 2021. And now we're about to round off into 2022, I can proudly look back and applaud myself for (finally) becoming a published writer! (Them four years in university weren’t for nothing right? Right?) 8 pieces, 4 publications, with #5 coming in early 2022. I did that! All while dealing with crippling anxiety, depression, and shitty physical health problems. 2021 has been the WORST year ever, but even in this shit storm of a year, I was inspired, I grew creatively, I fought my self loathing and submitted my work, I got plenty of no’s, but the few YESES stomped out those rejections. Whew! I ain’t seem them since. At the end of the day, I followed through on a goal, even while I was GOING through it, ya’ll. That’s a win!

• I only found out what a "pushcart prize" was a couple weeks ago. I am a newbie to the world of writing. Sure, I have been writing since I could put pen to paper, but that does not prepare you for the complicated, elitist, challenging, and often, unfair world of publishing. I had to figure out a lot on my own, and it can be disheartening and disorientating. It is also extremely time-consuming trying to figure out all the rules of the game. So, a couple weeks back, while scrolling insta, I kept seeing literary magazines listing their pushcart nominations, curious, I googled and found out what it was all about. Still not quite too sure about it, but at least I had an inkling. And then not too long after that, I received an email from Capsule Stories Magazine letting me know that they had nominated my poem for a pushcart prize. It was a wonderful feeling. It was a mushy, cheesy, warm, feeling. A mug of hot chocolate in hand, sitting by the fire, kind of feeling. That’s a win! For those of you who don't know what a pushcart prize is: http://www.pushcartprize.com/nomination.html

• Of course, this nomination made me dig deeper into the specifics of a “pushcart prize” and of course, some writers, such the cynical beings, have written some pretty harsh things about the nitty-gritty fundamentals of the pushcart prize. Like the chances of winning are so slim that you shouldn’t even mention your nomination to the world. That it is in fact, embarrassing and amateur, to do so. If you win, then heck yeah, scream it from rooftops, but otherwise just shut up about it, okay? So many “rules” in the writing world. Why can’t we just be happy and proud? Why so cynical? Luckily not all writers felt the same, and I read a few blog posts basically telling the cynical few to F off. Let us celebrate if we want, let us post about it even if the chances of winning are slim, let us decide what news is shareable. It is hard enough making it as a “writer,” being acknowledged or read or recognized for our work, takes work itself. There is so much self promotion that comes with being a writer: read my poem! Check out my blog! Buy my book! but it’s necessary. So, if I also wanna squeeze in between my eye-rolling, self promoting posts to share some good news, I’ma do it! Somebody read my poem and felt something, connected to it, and recommended it for further recognition, and that, my friend, is a WIN!

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Lastly, the poem itself needs to be noted. “I Can’t Even Find It in Me to Water the Flowers”, is a poem about the impact of 2020 on my body and spirit. It is about my depression, it is about my anxiety, it is about my loss of appetite, it is about my staggering weight loss. I felt like I was losing myself mentally and physically. I was disappearing. I didn’t recognize myself anymore, and that was terrifying, (I am still healing, I am still trying to gain weight, while also working on my mental health). So, for this particular poem, a poem that is literally my soul on paper, to be nominated it’s...I don’t even have the words. It is my pain being recognized and valued. And I am extremely thankful. I thank Capsules Stories Magazine for the nomination, and for giving my poem a home. It means the world to me. And that is A WIN.

That’s what we do: writers, poets, artists, we turn our pain into art, hoping to connect to someone. Hoping to heal someone. Hoping to give someone company. Hoping to create empathy or understanding. Or even, hoping to be seen and acknowledged. I still can’t wait to leave 2021 behind, it broke me to pieces, but…it also gave me a confidence in my writing that I will definitely benefit from in 2022.

Find the positive even in the negative: It is through my pain that I found inspiration. My therapist would be proud of me, lol.

Until next time,

With love,

Teya