I AM SPARTA!

Grey skies cause me to write about anxiety and depression. Maybe because it reminds me of how it feels. Depression mostly. That your brain is clouded. That your future is foggy. That you’re surrounded by darkness. That no brightness is near. Mix that with your constant never ending anxiety, fear riddled through your veins, shimmied into every single thought bubble, and it’s like why even get out of bed?

It is hard. I think about the future sometimes and I imagine I will eventually be granted normalcy. The house, the kids, the husband, the job that pays well and leaves me feeling fulfilled. Okay, that’s less normal and more ‘movie-style characterization’ (that just makes us feel bad about ourselves), but I imagine it nonetheless. But the future is the future. I’m not there yet, and that’s where anxiety plagues me. Will I ever find normalcy? Pure happiness? Fulfillment? Achievements? Children? I don’t know. Anxiety tells me I won’t, and depression tells me who cares? And that’s how my brain manoeuvres, between- fear and hopelessness.

But it’s not always like this. Sometimes I am genuinely happy. Like when holding my nephew in my arms, or watching Netflix with my boyfriend, or drinking wine with the girls chatting about how far we have come, or when seeing an A on my school work. Of course, behind the happiness, fear awaits.

I feel like sometimes I’ am a mastered and skilled warrior. Hear me out. When you are constantly warring with your thoughts, your emotions, your mood, your illness - you become stronger each day- without even realizing it. When you want nothing more than to stay in bed and cry- but you don’t, you get up and carry on with your day, when you want to just give up and quit school because its draining- but you don’t- you go to class and learn some things and then talk about the neat things you learned later on with your boyfriend, when you want to delete your social media, turn off all the lights in your room, hide under the covers and tell everyone to just leave you alone, but you don’t- you go out to dinner with friends, and you laugh, and you sip wine, and you celebrate their lives, your shared lives- you are winning. You are a constant solider in war, and in the most subtle way, you are winning. You may not look the part, you may not be shielded in armor, or bloody, or bandaged, but you are worn down, and physically, emotionally, mentally, fighting an unseen enemy.

I fight every day. And on the days that are particularly stressful I think of the movie ‘300’- random I know- but that powerful scene where King Leonidas refuses to submit his army and roars, “THIS IS SPARTA!” then goes on to kick his enemy down into a deep dark black hole. It’s like that. Claiming your body and your life against your enemy. Against your fears, against your depression, against the negative thoughts, against all the worry that tries to immobilize you. It’s standing against it – kicking it- punching- fighting- roaring at it “I AM SPARTA!” I will not submit. I will not back down. Yes, I do realize he dies at the end, but he dies fighting – he dies a warrior- who never submits.

So yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch- but go watch that scene and feel his refusal. And remind yourself- YOU ARE SPARTA!

Grey skies suck. But the sun will come out tomorrow- and if not tomorrow, the next day.

All that matters, is that it will come out.