Hiya Monday,

Although Mondays are technically not the start of the week, if ya know, you follow the standard calendar, it is the start of the work or school week which is why it is vehemently hated by most. And even if someone works on the weekends, therefore not getting a break on those two beloved days, they still, most likely, hate Mondays. Because weekends just have a different type of energy to them. Carefree, spirited, a spontaneous vitality. While Monday’s feel more structured, dull, robotic. I want to change that narrative. Literally and figuratively.

I address Monday to address the beginning. The beginning of change, of a soon-to-be new year, of a new me. Yup I said it, 'new, year new me' HA! It’s okay! Go ahead and roll your eyes, I get that the whole ‘new year, new me’ stuff is nauseating. But I actually mean it. The pandemic has forced me, (all of us) to change. To rearrange our lives, values, beliefs. To change careers, re-shift goals, and rearrange our priorities. It has taken the fun out of life and caused an increase in mental illness and eating disorders. It has put pressure on politicians and has made social justice fighters of all of us.

It has been soul sucking and affirming at the same time. Life is precious. Life is short. Life is fragile. And with that knowledge we all want to live MORE, live LOUDER, live BOLDER, but restrictions and fear hold (some of us) back. And we sit in this in-between, stuck, on edge, ready with our foot lightly grazing the gas, stalling, waiting for the all-clear to go. Incredibly impatient, and fearfully anxious. And some of us have gotten completely swallowed up in the in-between. And that’s where I am. Stuck. Lost. Trying.

This past summer I completely fell apart. My anxiety got really bad, my depression came in like a tsunami and then my body physically, struggled. (I didn’t get da virus) but I had a string of other health problems that arose one after the other, and it felt like one boulder too many. I was being crushed. I barely left the house all of August, didn’t celebrate my five-year anniversary with my bae, didn’t celebrate my birthday in September, didn’t try “to make the most of” the vanishing warmth of sunny days. I just gave in to my anxiety and depression, curled into the fear, and let it coddle me.

But no more. I want to change, I want to live, and I want to fight. I want to be me again, pre-pandemic, but also even better than that. I am seeing a therapist, going through a trial of cognitive behavioural therapy. This form of therapy asks you to step outside your comfort zones, and the comfort zones that have formed over the last few months have sheltered me immensely. Like a tiny, dingy tent, making me small, and keeping the whole wide world zipped away. So, stepping out of my comfort zone is truly asking a lot. But I am taking small steps that will eventually lead me back to myself. Starting this blog for one, is a step. It forces me to write, to share (like I used to), to be vulnerable, to be creative. To reflect.

I hope to write and share every Monday. I want to look forward to Monday’s, celebrate Monday’s, anticipate Monday’s, find the positive in Monday’s. Just like I want to do with myself. Originally, I wanted to call this blog “Hello Monday” but that’s been taken up by a few different brands, so “Hiya Monday” it is. I look forward to sharing more with ya’ll. I don’t know what that will look like every week, a poem, a personal essay, a short story, or even a few short random lines. Either way, something will come out on Monday’s, as I continue my journey of healing and evolving.

Btw, I had a bad day today, had a doctors appt which intensified my anxiety. Not because I got bad news (I didn't) but because I have had one too many appts and tests these last few months and I am OVER IT! I left the hospital defeated and in tears. But then I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and bought myself a chocolate bar (Lindt almond chocolate mhmmm) which definitely cheered me up. My therapist says I should “reward” myself after doing something that makes me incredibly anxious. It sounds childish, but it works, even if mildly so.

So, I’ma spend the rest of the day eating chocolate, and watching holiday hallmark cheesy Christmas movies. Because it will help calm me down, and who doesn’t like watching two people fall in love beneath a snowfall, surrounded by colourful Christmas lights? C’monnnn.

Till next Monday,

Tee